Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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