Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
