At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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