I CAN MOONWALK!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
