brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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