I think my fart just growled at me.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
