Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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