I can text with my tongue
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
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He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
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Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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