You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
