a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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