I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
