The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
