my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
