just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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