First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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