Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
