He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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