Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
