Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
