I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
