I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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