Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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