I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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