smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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