So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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