What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
