You just made me feel so damn special
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
