I want to have your abortion
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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