why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
