Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
