I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
