Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
