I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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