you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Did I show you my penis last night?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
