when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
