R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
