The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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