My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
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i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
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Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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