everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
