So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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