Umm I'm too high to move.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
