My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
