8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
