Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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