Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
