Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
