Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Randomize
