Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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