Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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