he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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