You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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