Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My dick has a subreddit
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
