i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
