I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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