I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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