I'm lost and stupid without you.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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