My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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