i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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