Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
