Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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